Talent Scout #5 - Scare Bears

Whilst Jaune has been putting together a short horror film for the first episode of Bear and Beyond, he has been looking around for some inspiring bears. The sort of bears that evoke a sinister, hideous, terrifying quality. Here’s what he came up with.

Firstly, a few runner ups for their notable freaky features. For sleepless nights these two evoke horror more directly than most bears you’ll meet. Sleepless nights aplenty.

Then there’s the weird hybrid skull faced bear, who doesn’t appear to have a body. Maybe he levitates? Or maybe his body is already out fetching victims?! Plus this crossed eyed, haunting bear - with an aura of evil about her. That fixed smile is the first sign of a satisfied, deranged killer.

Now onto the favourites. [click for larger pictures]

In third place - “That’s right, I’m watching you!” You can see the fur balding on his face, probably from being pressed up against countless windows. Picking out the hapless candidates for a slow, humiliating dismemberment. Such a cold, glassy stare. And no doubt never without a case of surgical instruments. You won’t see him coming until it’s too late.

Second place. Are you ready for some hicksploitation - bear style. Wouldn’t want to take a wrong turn to this ones corrugated shack. He might look slow, but he’ll catch you off guard, and have you bound up in the back of a pick-up in no time. It’s alright though, his Mama told him to do it. Raised him well, she did.

And the winner is this small faced, rodeo loving, killer. A charmer in his youth. Now a brutal psychotic torturer. Life is a game, and other people are their to be played with. No rules. No limits. He’ll kiss you as he guts you. Beware.



As always, if you know any of these bears, get in touch. Fame awaits.

#83 American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)

Face it. Bad movies will always be around. For every Atonement, you get a Transformers. Or should that be the other way around? That’s the point, isn’t it. One persons Champagne is anothers Special Brew. But since it’s there, why not give it a try once in a while. You might be surprised. The American Ninja series is most definitely cheese. You can smell it a mile off. Somewhere between Miami Vice and Street Fighter you’ll find this low budget beat ‘em up series. After the modestly successful first installment, and the very so-so sequel, the third film sees changes to the previous cast and crew.

Michael Dudikoff has left, requiring a new lead character to be written in. Sean Dadivson, played by former karate champion David Bradley, happens to be another American raised in the arts of the ninja. Told in a remarkable flashback full of dry ice. He also happens to be an old friend of Curtis Powerhouse Jackson (Steve James - from the previous movies), and bumps into him at a Karate Championship. Despite the contrivances, Bradley makes for an equally good (read okay) lead.

The other big change is in the form of a new, and arguably better, director Cedric Sundstrom. American Ninja 2 had a very point and shoot feel about it. Whereas now there’s a stronger emphasis on lighting and shadows. The overall feel is more in line with modern standards, so easier on the eye. The action scenes also have a little more urgency and realism about them, with less weapons than before; getting back to martial arts basics. I’ve only seen the previous movie, and know that fans generally view it as better. American Ninja 3 made it into the IMDB bottom 100 for a start, with part two escaping that embarrassment. Despite that I think the positions should be reversed, although there’s very little in it. They’re both dumb.

Plot-wise, we’ve moved on from the dreaded nemesis ‘The Lion’ of the second film, and now have to contend with ‘The Cobra’. Sean (Bradley) discovers this ruthless businessman, who researches germ warfare to sell to terrorists, whilst searching for his kidnapped Ninja Master - kidnapped by ninjas of course. It’s a simple linear story of investigation, but with that slower paced, night time moody atmosphere that 80s did so often. There’s some mystery to hold the attention. However, it’s still dogged by some fairly flat dialogue, and the supporting cast is weak, leading to some interminably dull scenes. Good job they threw in some random microlite action to spice things up. There’s even a very prominant bit of ‘Kilroy was here’ graffiti for those that remember such things. Chuck in some personal tragedy and leave to fester.

On the downside, you may find yourself somewhat desensitized to ninjas by the end of it. They are literally wall to wall, appearing from thin air, and the plot gives no explanations as to why all these ninja are working for these nutters. Where do they come from? Is there a discount for buying in bulk? Another unfortunate side effect is that after seeing so many ninjas taken down by two guys, they start to lose their reputation. Maybe the next American Ninja will be a young Macauley Culkin, aka ‘The Stoat’?

It would be very easy for me to deride this for lack of originality; the flying into the sunset shots, catching arrows with their bare hands, that last second burst of energy just at the brink of losing everything. The synthy soundtrack is also better left alone. I think the makers knew their limitations and simply decided to make a few bucks. A bit cynical, but there you go. The end product is a reflection of all the excesses of that era, done on the cheap. If your a fan of the 80s (as I am) then it’s actually quite fun. Amongst the wooden acting, video game plots, mindless fighting, endless ninjas, and Curtis Jackson’s quips, there is enough schoolboy charm and sillyness to keep me watching and amused. Fans of films like Roadhouse would probably find this hammier, but a laugh. It sure ain’t art, but what the heck. If you want some bone crunching throwaway giggles, there is worse out there.

[2.6/10 | 1,184 Votes | as of 17th July 2007]

So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

The Right Stuffing

#84 Bloodrayne (2005) again…

Yes, it’s that bad it sunk even lower in the ratings. Rather than bore you with yet more details of how awful this film is, I will sum it up in pictures.

Happy Halloween…

#85 Pinata: Survival Island (2002)

[aka Demon Island]

Would I rather watch Pinata, or be a Pinata? Tough question. Both involve a fair amount of suffering.

Everything starts with a history lesson told by a gravely ethnic voice. Telling the tale of a Mexican village over a hundred years ago suffering from droughts and famine, believing they are cursed by evil spirits. A shaman conducts a ritual (pig hearts and all) to trap the evil that plagues the land inside a pinata. Then they chucked it in the river and ate a load of candy. There were apparently no fly-tipping laws in those days.

Cut to 2001, a sunny island, pop music, lots of skin baring college teens having a water fight. They’re on a bizarre charity scavenger hunt that involves collecting thousands of pairs of underwear all over the island. Whilst handcuffed together in pairs. Soon enough someone finds a washed up pinata and does what any self respecting, drug fuelled, panty hunting teen would do. Hit it with a stick. I’m sure everyone knows what will follow.

Written and directed by what I will assume is the Hillenbrand brothers, Scott and David, their previous offering was King Cobra – a sequel to Anaconda. Enough said already I think, but I should give them a fair hearing. It’s rubbish. Another ‘teens die horribly’ film. All the usual rules apply; smoke drugs – die, get jiggy – die, make bad jokes – die. All thanks to the NIMBY tribe. Speaking of which that intro sequence tells you the entire plot, destroying any chance of some potentially fun surprises. Then the Hillenbrand brothers have the gall to explain it all again later for the benefit of the dying teens. It’s this kind of lazy film-making that typifies Pinata. I can only conclude that this movie was more about getting a quick buck off the Hollywood horror obsession that’s been going strong for nearly a decade.

For the most part the camerawork is about as mundane as possible, aside from some random slow motion shots at inappropriate moments, and really ugly point of view shots from the pinata bearing a loose similarity to Predator. Other than the modern effects and video quality the whole film is very reminiscent of the cheap schlock that came out in the straight to video horror craze of the eighties. This wouldn’t be as bad as it is if it didn’t take itself so seriously. How that’s possible with a killer pinata I don’t know. It lacks atmosphere, and the story is on such well-trodden ground I doubt even the best directors could do much to improve it without a total overhaul. The core audience for this type of movie will be wanting cheap thrills, and while there is a little gore it generally fails to deliver. It barely deserves the 18 rating, probably best used to spare as many people as possible from watching it.

The pinata monster looks sort of cool (in a cheesy way) in the brief moments where it’s a man in a suit. Then suddenly starts looking like a cheap rejected computer game sequence when the CGI takes over. And it takes over far too much and in the most under-whelming fashion thinkable. One of our sweet filled friend’s chosen methods of death is of course hitting people with a stick. I guess it’s supposed to be ironic, but ends up looking cheap. It may have been a wasted opportunity to set things on a tropical island. Imagine if the pinata had crashed a pool hall, and all the glorious potential stick hitting action. Perhaps even more amusingly I’ve actually seen stick hitting deaths done far better in other films, such as Sleepaway Camp 2. No kidding.

The acting is of the sort of standard you could expect from taking the supporting cast from numerous TV shows, and it’s not too far from what they’ve done. There are no great performances, though it’s all very easy on the eye. The leads are played by Nicholas Brendon (who was Xander in Buffy), and Jaime Pressly, whose other roles include Poison Ivy: The New Seduction and The Karate Dog. After that it’s faceless, one dimensional, pinata fodder.

I’ve no sympathy for this movie. It gives horror a bad name, and for it has rightfully sunk into the IMDb bottom 100, scoring an average of 2.6 out of a possible 10, with 1,341 votes (as of 17th July). The tagline reads ‘A weekend to dismember.’ Just forget it.

So far:
Yay – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Yeuck – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

Just For Fun.

#86 Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994)

When I started this thing I thought I’d missed a bullet, as this film moved from No.91 and out of the bottom 100 when I updated my buying list some time ago. Unfortunately it has now fallen back down to an even lower position of No.86, scoring an average of 2.6 with 8,569 votes. (as of 17th July 2007). However, while I was really expecting to loathe this film (the sort of film that relies on kicking a grown man in the knackers for it best laughs), it’s actually just fairly average. A lightweight comedy trying to cater for the remaining fans of the series, but failing to grab the wider audience. I’ve seen all the Police Academy films, and they do get worse with every installment, with this one being the exception. Part 6 (City Under Siege) was utter garbage, and so Mission to Moscow is a minor improvement on it.

The plot kicks off as some of our Police Academy regulars are invited to Russia to help investigate the Russian Mafia. Soon things centre around a computer game, funded by the Russian Mafia, simply called ‘The Game’. It’s highly addictive, and why are the Mafia behind it? It’s a pretty tenuous storyline, but that’s hardly anything new. Much stranger is how any of these guys are still employed. Captain Harris (GW Bailey) has become a more and more bizarre character over the years. Turning from an arrogant and strict character into one that likes to undermine his own officers with little motive other than shenanigans.

Of the regular cast we also have my favourite, Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes) who was 77 years old when this was filmed. Sgt. Jones (Michael Winslow) best known as the guy who does the funny noises. He’s underused this time, and no where near as funny compared to earlier films. Sgt. Tackleberry (David Graf) who isn’t just gun crazy but somewhat unhinged as he rants on about excessive force restrictions. And Capt. Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), who is contractually obliged to end up in some very supportive lingerie before the credits roll. In addition to them we have another youngun trying to take on the Guttenberg mantle in the shape of Cadet Connors (Charlie Schlatter).

Surprisingly this appears to be quite a big production compared to previous films in the series, what with filming in Russia, including Gorky Park and Red Square. They also have some bigger named actors at various stages of their careers. Claire Forlani (Meet Joe Black) plays the obligatory beautiful Russian cop love interest. Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings) is the Russian Commandant Rakov, and gets to shout at the useless Americans and kiss Lassard (surely the biggest draw the film has). Then there’s Ron Perlman in full on caricature Mafia Boss mode as Konstantine Konali. He’s a very naughty boy.

It’s an eclectic cast that don’t sit together that well. The regulars appear to be mostly sleepwalking through their lines. While the new characters are putting in much more energetic, over the top, performances as the largely slapstick and goofy material suggests. And slapstick is certainly high on the agenda; with a strangely large amount of acrobatics. A character doesn’t just fall over, they fall over backwards, flip round a couple of times, ricochet off an amusingly shaped object, get hit in the nuts to the sound of animal noises, then fall in the mud, which they slowly spit out. It’s not all like that, in fact it’s not even that creative. The series now exists in an exaggerated environment more like a cartoon, where high pitched singing can break glasses. Safe to say if that’s not your cup of tea, then look away.

It’s aiming for the big kid market, but lacks the charm, surrealism, or imagination of things like the Police Squad/Naked Gun series. Ending up feeling better to suited to children’s entertainment, a change that has been evolving throughout the series. You’ll not see any bare breasts like there were in the original Police Academy. A real shame with Claire Forlani now on board.

On the whole it’s a valiant effort to revive the series; wanting to parody the cop genre in the same way that Happy Gilmore sends up the generic underdog film formula. Unfortunately, Mission to Moscow’s humour is so tame it can never pull it off. Leaving it a very cliched and formulaic film with weak jokes. The script felt like it came from an automatic scene generator. Many scenes having no relevance to the main story, and would be more at home in a sketch show. Although one of the funniest parts was completely unrelated. A truly surreal subplot (or running gag) where he crashes a Russian families funeral and seems to get adopted by them. I question whether Lassard has slipped into full on dementia at last.

This should be an easy target, but I don’t think it deserves the mandatory beating it regularly gets. By the halfway point it did feel a little like an anaesthetic. My mind was numbed. Not bothered or entertained. Simply watching, endlessly, into the nothing. I smirked in one or two places, so I’m sure some will enjoy it. Most likely anyone who really liked the previous two or three films. Some of the humour is directed squarely at fans of the series. So long as you aren’t looking for a riveting realistic police story (Top Cat is grittier), and enjoy watching the continued humiliation of Captain Harris, then Mission to Moscow is watchable, if not actually any good.

So far:
Chocolate Eclair – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Rancid Lemon – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

B100 List Update

Here’s the latest update. Actually from a while back on 17th July 2007. They’ll be quite a few on the way soon though. As you can see, an eclectic bunch.

#87 The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia (1994)

The original Neverending Story (1984) is without doubt a children’s classic. The second installment in 1990 met with much criticism and disappointment, but nothing could prepare you for this contemptible disaster. Usually when I see a film that is generally considered bad, I can find something to invest a little interest in. Perhaps a good actor, a flawed idea that could have worked, some amusing mistakes, a good costume, funny dialogue. There’s usually something to get hold of and empathise with the film-makers. This time I was clutching at straws through the pain.

To briefly summarize the plot, we meet Bastian Balthazar Bux (child cruelty?) who in the last two films helped save the magical world of Fantasia via a book called The Neverending Story. The book serves as a portal between the two worlds, and chronicles the adventures that occur. Whilst being chased by a group of school bullies called ‘The Nasties’, Balthazar hides in the books world of Fantasia. The Nasties read the book and, without batting an eyelid, quickly accept that it’s all real because it describes everything going on around them. They decide to use the power of the book to destroy Fantasia and Bastian; just for a laugh it would seem. Meanwhile, Bastian must get back to the real world and get the book in order to stop them. Unfortunately, when he leaves Fantasia something goes wrong and and some of the fantastical looking citizens of Fantasia get trapped in the real world. It is vital that they be returned before Bastian can use a charm to fix Fantasia, or else they will be trapped in the real world.

Heading up the cast is Jack Black, in one of his earliest roles, as the leader of ‘The Nasties’. Whilst he has a screen presence strong enough to leave Jason James Richter (the boy from Free Willy playing Bastian) in the shadows, he also plays it so hammy you’d think he was auditioning for the lead role of Babe 3: Porcine Holocaust. I realise that much of Jack Black’s brand of humour comes from his excesses, but there is a lack of finesse here that when matched with the lazy script grates quite horribly.

The rest of the cast has seen numerous changes, so that it no longer stars anyone from either of the previous films. The biggest change is that every character from the world of Fantasia now sounds terminally stupid. Anyone from Fantasia basically gets stuck in the ‘light relief rubber puppet’ category and none can salvage a shred of integrity. It’s a sorry state of affairs, as I recall the big pink dragon Falkor fondly from my youth, only to have him turned into a quipping buffoon. The final straw was a gag where he gets the horn for a street parade’s Chinese dragon, to the great distress of it’s occupants.

Another favourite, Rock-Biter (a giant man made of rock), gets a wife and kid in scenes reminiscent of a bad episode of Dinosaurs (90s sitcom). The costumes look like the cheap men in suits they are. There is nothing magical about watching him and his wife bicker and throw crockery at each other. The highlight of the entire film was watching Rock-Biter go shopping on his bike whilst singing “Born to be Wild”. Yes, it’s a full on music sequence including ‘comedy’ running over puppets moments. The tiresome characters don’t end there. We get a couple of gnomes (one played by Tony Robinson), whose entire contribution to the film is a half hour gag about needing to go pee. And a big rubbery fake tree man that sounds like Jimmy Durante; I wanted to kill it.

So the characters are uniformly awful, and the reason I’ve barely mentioned the human ones is because they are so dull and clichéd it hardly matters. There is a sub-plot (arguably the focal lesson of the movie) about Bastian’s stepmother and sister, family strength against adversity and the like. It’s trite Hollywood manipulation at it’s worst. There are pop songs and pop culture references everywhere, from Arnold Schwarzenegger to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The most successful message the story carried was that kids should read more, and this movie provides the perfect motivation. I wanted to switch it off within half an hour, but managed to rubber-neck my way through it out of stubborn disbelief.

There is a long trend in franchise kids films that each sequel requires less subtlety and style than the one before, and director Peter ‘Rambo III’ MacDonald fulfils this requirement effortlessly. It really does look like no effort was made at all. Hardly surprising when handed a script fit only for a shredder. One of the biggest disappointments is the lack of fantasy elements that were so vivid in the first film. By quickly moving all the action to our reality, most of the awe evapourates. Worse still when the most memorable moments include a madcap chase through the mall. The plot goes nowhere, and the jokes are as obvious as they are unfunny. If you make it to the end credits you’ll also be wowed by the two specially written songs, ‘Dream On’ and ‘Mission of Love’, which both name check the movie – sick buckets at the ready.

Having such a passionate dislike for The Neverending Story part 3: Escape to Fantasia (Phew – mouthful) worried me. Am I intolerant of children’s movies? After all, they are meant for a less discerning viewer. Then I remind myself that the first film in this series is very good, a bank holiday favourite, and there are lots of good quality fantasies like The Dark Crystal and Lord of the Rings. It’s just that The Neverending Movie Title (blah) is only likely to please people that are entertained by bright colours, silly voices, and fast moving objects. Not something you should be paying for. I feel so violently about this film if I were one of the unfortunate souls to appear even on the ’special thanks’ credits, I would demand my name removed. Not so surprisingly the film was in the IMDB bottom 100 list; on 8th May 2007 it scored an average of 2.5 out of 10 from 1,876 votes. Awful film.

So far:
Best film – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Worst film – #87 The Neverending Story III (1994)

Thankfully it did end.

#88 Prince of Space (1959)

[aka Yusei Oji, aka Planet Prince]

Produced in Japan in the late 50s, this is en early example of their boom in superhero films. For the supposed benefit of foreign audiences it has been dubbed into English. This is one film where, for the sake of the writers’ reputation, I hope it’s lost a lot in translation. In all fairness though, it may have lost something in it’s adaptation. Prince of Space was originally transmitted as a series of 49 episodes, and from it two movies were made. The two movies were then edited into a single movie for American audiences. Knowing that the finished product is such an amalgam makes it harder to rate on normal terms, but I’ll give it my best shot.

The story begins when a random spaceship turns up out of nowhere. It’s leader, The Phantom of Krankor, hijacks the airwaves and announces they will soon land and make their demands. Then threatens they will obey or die, followed by his trademark “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” Yes. The guy doing the dubbing actually goes, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” in a slow, drawn out, stupid sounding way. So bad it’s funny, and it will occur many many times before the end of the film.

The Phantom of planet Krankor is the sort of villain who likes to start speeches with, “Attention people of Earth.” He calls himself both an ambassador and a dictator at different times, and resembles a human being with a cheaply stuck on cardboard beak nose (the kind you might find in an xmas cracker), and a television aerial on his head. His fake moustache looks like it’s upside down – although that could be an alien thing. I won’t go too deeply into the frilly jacket and lack of proper undergarments. It’s strange that even before he lands some scientists say they know what he wants; a new rocket fuel which will make space exploration easier. How they figured that, when the fuel hasn’t been tested yet and he is already flying considerable distances in space, is anyone’s guess. They even make the usual scare-mongering claims that if he gets the fuel then they could conquer the world in a week. Having absolutely zero knowledge of these aliens naturally doesn’t affect any of their predications.

None of that really matters though as Price of Space also turns up out of nowhere to beat the aliens of Krankor into submission and send them home. Prince of Space comes with a full polyester outfit, short cape, plastic face mask, and trigger actioned multi-purpose stick. He can say a variety of phrases including, “I am Prince of Space” and ”Your weapons have no effect on me”.

On that note, amongst the frequent and pointless encounters between the Krankorians (Krankies?) and Prince of Space, he keeps telling them that their guns won’t harm him or his ship. I guess because he’s super. In response, The Phantom’s great plan is to “get the laser canon!” Idiot. He continues to keep trying to shoot him, no matter that it always fails. At one point he tries to cook him in a special griddle weapon, but none of their weapons work. This is the major problem with Prince of Space – aside from the weird outfits. His only super-power is being invincible. There’s no danger, and the whole thing becomes a very silly farce.

However, at the same time, this utter silliness is one of it’s saving graces. All the over the top kids melodrama, with American square-jaw voices, and extremely corny dialogue, can be really funny. Once he says your weapons are useless for the tenth time I wanted to join in like a pantomime. In fact I think a theatre version is long overdue. The terrible acting of terrible characters (these are some of the thickest scientists I’ve ever seen) just adds to it. I wish my knowledge of Japanese B-movie cast and crew was a little better so I could point out the repeat offenders, but everyone here fits the bill. Whoever thought to name the main town Beaver Falls should have realised how stupid it sounds in a Japanese film. Just one of the many chuckles.

It’s a traditionally cheap and cheerful production, with kids in mind. As usual some irritating kids become central to the action, exclaiming “Prince of Space, woot, yay” at any given opportunity. It’s filled with the usual stock sound effects of musical saws, possibly a theremin. The Krankor spaceship is actually quite a cool design in a retro way. It all boils down to a very dated film that most will either love or hate. It’s a thumbs… well… paw up from me, and makes it to my favourite film in the B100 yet.

So far:
Favourite – #88 Prince of Space (1959)
Horrible – #95 The King and I (1999)

And the usual stats: On 8th may 2007 Prince of Space featured at number 88 on the IMDB bottom 100 list, with a total of 1,055 votes, giving it an average of 2.5 out of 10.

Just as a note, I’ve let these build up a little so expect quite a few more over the coming days…