Talent Scout #2 Jedi Peng

Our hunt for new and furry talent continues. We’ve been scouring sites and images across the net and found this.

He’s a peng were really interested in seeing, and finding out just what sort of prowess he can muster with that light saber. There’s a definite hypnotic glare in the eyes - perhaps a little Bela Lugosi deep within him. Would that make him another Count Jedi?

If anyone has the answers, or knows how to make contact, or are you that penguin? Please get in touch.

Profile #3 Chune

Dressed in his magnificent tartan jumpsuit, Chune is a character with a long and colourful back-story. Not quite as colourful as the jumpsuit, but that would be a tall order of sickly proportions. Some wonder if the loudness of Chune’s attire is so to make up for his lack of a voice. It is not known if he can talk, just that he doesn’t.

In his school days Chune was a talented athlete and gymnast. He went on to join a circus troupe and travelled as the most daring trapeze artist in the business. Not necessarily the best, but definitely the most daring. After many years on the road, tragedy stuck when Chune was diagnosed with Ehltar Tanlos; an unstable stuffing condition, which his particular breed of bear is prone to. It weakens the joints and rendered him unable to continue performing.

For a brief spell he turned to tea; a much frowned upon addictive drink that mats bears fur and stains it a nasty shade of brown. In an attempt to turn his life around and give back to the community he joined a local street sweeping group run by a bear named Big Bluey. It was a positive turning point in his life, until Big Bluey decided he wanted to take over the world, and forced Chune under threat of death to stay and work for him as a hench-bear.

However, Chune plays a significant role in keeping Bluey in check. He has a calming influence over him due to their long friendship. Without Chune remaining where he is the world may be a much more dangerous place. Hopefully, one day, he might convince Bluey to give up his aspirations of world domination.

Chune’s sunny disposition gives him a youthful appearance, despite being one of the eldest bears. There are many more facets to his life; too many for this brief profile.

97. Beginning of the End (1957)

From the man who brought you ‘King Dinosaur’ and ‘Earth vs The Spider’ I give you, ‘The Beginning of the End’. No, really – take it. With a title like that it would have been more fitting as the first film of this project. Anyhow, this was actually director Bert I Gordon’s second film, and an unfortunate sign of the type of films he would continue to direct. On February 1st 2007 it was placed at No.97 in the IMDB’s bottom 100 films, with an average score of 2.6, from 727 votes.

The film opens with that well known tradition amongst American youths in the fifties. Necking in a convertible. Then continues with that staple Hollywood cliché of two youths necking in a car being attacked by something off screen. It’s a dubious start; maybe that’s what they should have called the film. ‘A Dubious Start’, starring Doug Squarejaw, and Heidi Fluff. I digress.

The plot gets quickly into gear as we follow Audrey Aimes - a journalist on the trail of a news story in the Arizona desert. She soon discovers that an unknown force has destroyed a whole town, and it’s150 residents are all missing. An engaging enough premise. Acting on a hunch she visits a nearby department of agriculture research station that is experimenting with food crops exposed to radiation. At this point I’m quite amazed that for a near half hour the film has been an entertaining enough little mystery. A little slow, but even the acting is of a higher standard that you’d expect from such a poorly rated film. However…

Whilst visiting a warehouse that was also recently destroyed, Audrey and the two agricultural scientists (Ed and Frank) encounter the menace responsible. A giant grasshopper. Welcome back to the world of questionable special effects, stupid questions, and that military bloke who just can’t believe it. The radiation link was just too obvious to ignore. As was the introduction of scientist Frank, who was deaf and mute due to an accident involving radiation. Thus only there to illustrate the dangers of their work. Although why he didn’t grow to be a twenty foot killing machine, as most other things do on contact with radiation in the 50s, I don’t know.

On seeing one of these giant grasshoppers/locusts, Dr Ed Wainright quickly scarpers and tries to call in the army. He doesn’t get very far, but from this brief contact he suddenly knows the grasshoppers numbers, average height, resistance to weapons, disposition. He’s the leading authority on giant radioactive grasshoppers. My biggest frustration at this point is that all the hopping action is described and alluded to through radio and phone calls between important looking people. Those bugs sure sound like formidable foes if they need an anti tank weapon to take them down, but I don’t get to see any of it.

When we do get to see some fighting it’s the usual superimposed army guys firing at a back projection of the bugs in super-sized close up. Being in black and white the joins aren’t too jarring all the time. They get them to climb up photos of buildings, and chuck them in a pool of water to emulate a lake. They’ve made an effort in places and occasionally it just about works.

Now let’s cut to the chase and say it’s basically a rip off of Them (1954) - minus the direction, atmosphere, effects, charm, you name it. It’s inferior in all respects. Peggie Castle put in the best performance as Audrey. Peter Graves, who would go on to play Captain Oveur in the Airplane movies, was okay as Dr Ed. Unfortunately neither managed to lift the largely mundane material. One of the most exciting moments was seeing Audrey’s car phone. Yes, a car phone in 1957. I had no idea they had been invented then. It was a hefty looking thing, but a cool prop.

However cool a car phone may be, it doesn’t cover up the inconstancies in the plot. For instance a grasshopper later being easily killed by a handgun, or why they all seemed to stay together rather than spread across America. Actually that might have been addressed in the obligatory bug education portion of the film. Where Doug Squarejaw predicts doom from in front of a slide projector. If so, it has already been excised from my mind, as has the majority of the rest of the film.

I would have been more favourable toward Beginning of the End if it hadn’t have been so dull. Regardless of the hopeful start, even at just 73 minutes long I found myself clock-watching toward the end. At least with a movie like Monster A Go-Go you can laugh along with the silliness. Whilst entertainment here is severely limited by a highly predictable and linear storyline, that quickly fizzles out of ideas.

For the information of insect lovers – some grasshoppers died in the making of this movie. What began as 200 grasshoppers reduced to just a dozen after they started to cannibalize one another. I wouldn’t be surprised the same situation occurred amongst cinema goers stuck in a darkened room watching this film.

So far:
Best film – Monster A-Go-Go (1965)
Worst film – Rollerball (2002)

Bo Gets About #2 Muppets From Space

It was a long journey, and that blue guy was a bit weird, but worth it for this picture.

98. Werewolf (1996)

On receiving an old VHS copy of Werewolf, I was impressed by the hologram cover of a man turning into a werewolf. However, after starting to watch the film I worried that the special effects on the box would be better than those in the actual film. My worries weren’t entirely unfounded.

On February 1st 2007, Werewolf was placed at No.98 in the IMDB bottom 100, with an average score of 2.6 from 1,670 votes.

We start with an archaeological dig in the Arizona desert, where an unusual skeleton is found. It has the body of a man, but the head of an animal – you guessed it, a kind of wolf. The budget already seems strained at this point. An early fight scene between the diggers is so badly choreographed and filmed that at least half the punches miss, but still with a very loud smacking, and followed by painfully slow ‘being hit’ reactions. I refer to the budget here, as it seems all the actors were required to do their own stunts. No matter how bad they are.

Once the skeleton has been moved somewhere it can be studied, rather than investigate it properly and try to prove or disprove what it is, the leader of the group (Noel) rushes to various conclusions and scaremongering about werewolves. Within the films first ten minutes, any hope of mystery is killed by an overlong explanation involving American Indian mythology, and poorly recorded sound. Soon after, one of the diggers who had been scratched by a bone is taken to hospital. While under supposed ‘intense observations’ (amusing medical terminology from the doctor), he turns into a werewolf whilst no one is paying attention (really intense observations), then escapes. Thus proving their assumptions, regardless of how implausible and stupid they originally appeared.

Considering all this happens at the start of the film, you might wonder what plot there is left. To be frank, not much. Werewolf has some of the worst padding I’ve seen in any film this side of the 60s. Director Tony Zarindast has a curious fixation with wall murals, spending large amounts of time focusing on them whilst playing irritating derivative native Indian music, and animal noises. If I wanted to look at a painting of a woolly mammoth whilst being barked at, I’d… I’m not sure – perhaps commit myself. It’s not just boring; it’s badly filmed, edited, written (barely). Zarindast’s previous film was ‘Hardcase and Fist’ in 1989! A film whose trailer alone is laughable. He can’t even manage the continuity of a pool cue, let alone actually film a game of pool without it dragging the whole film to a painful halt.

The characters serve little or no purpose in a wafer thin plot. The most entertaining is also the most superfluous. That being a groundskeeper who seems to spend all his time in the foyer of a writer’s house, brandishing his shotgun. He also happens to be the worst actor, with monotone ‘cries’ of “please don’t hurt me’, whilst slowly edging towards the angry looking werewolf. Another focal character is Yuri, who wants to infect people with werewolf DNA so he can see them turn, then catch them and earn money for the famous find of a live werewolf. The biggest flaw in his ploy is he decides to try and catch these beasts when they are wolves, rather than simply wait till they turn into a normal person and are less dangerous. The logic for the rest of the film isn’t any sounder, and you will be lucky to make it to the end. Surprisingly the ending is the most original and unexpected thing of all. Yet still ultimately unsatisfying.

On the plus side we get the hilarious high jinks of a werewolf driving a sedan as if it were a bumper car. Cartoony yanking the steering wheel left and right included. Then it ploughs into some randomly placed gas canisters. And Martin Sheen’s brother is in it. Woot. Yay. [/sarcasm]

So, with no plot, no worthwhile characters, and no atmosphere, what’s left? A number of repetitive shots of some dodgy werewolf special effects, which at times look more like a taxidermied cat covered in spit. Plus some over the top and unconvincing attacks on girls who run, scream, and fall over in the nearest puddle of mud. A more pleasurably viewing experience can be found marvelling at the hologram on the box cover.

*Pictures courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000, because my capture equipment didn’t like the NTSC VHS. Unfortunately the MST3K team are watching a slightly edited version; missing out a couple more superb murals.

It wasn’t exactly difficult to defame poor Werewolf, but it still provided enough belly laughs from its gaffs to put it ahead of Rollerball.

So far:
Best Film – Monster A-Go-Go (1965)
Worst Film – Rollerball (2002)

Teddybears vs. Sandwich

We’re not exactly sure what’s going on, but on the other side of the pond it seems New York City is experiencing a Teddybear uprising. See for yourself.

Most confusing of all is the un-named bear head on some form of electronic life support, who appears to be the mastermind behind it all. Nevertheless, we are amused.

Profile #2 LBP

LBP is of the Little Blue Penguin species, from where his name is derived. He is Plar’s chief bodyguard, being especially good at the violent parts. The two are almost inseparable, as has been the case ever since they first met. Of course that could be because Plar insists on 24 hour, 7 day a week security from his most trusted penguin. Meaning LBP often goes for weeks on end without sleeping. When he does get some time to himself, he generally spends it drinking heavily and shouting the insult ‘wazzack’ a lot.

Whatever LBP may lack in ‘tub’ (the size of the waistline - larger tubs are greatly respected by penguins), he makes up in attitude and authority. He doesn’t share much of his past with others, but it’s clear that he got where he is today through nothing but hard work. Now he’s a highly respected member of the Peng race.

Recently LBP agreed to become the anchor for Peng News; a regular news programme for penguins. We intend to show any relevant broadcasts in the future, so watch this space.

Nicknames include: Elb, Elboriah, L Beep

99. Rollerball (2002)

Well, this is quite a difference from the last film. Bringing us right back into the present decade. On February 1st 2007, Rollerball was placed at number 99 on the IMDB’s bottom 100 films, with an average score of 2.6 out of 10, and 8,205 votes. That’s a very high number of votes for the bottom 100, strengthening its position there, and showing just how badly this film has been received.

Set in the near future, a violent new sport from Central Asia has taken the world’s interest. Rollerball is like a cross between American football and basketball, on rollerblades, in a figure 8 circuit, and chuck in a couple of motorbikes for good measure. The rules are simple, and the fouls are frequent. Increasing ratings and high levels of gambling keep the games creators and managers in good money. Interest from major television networks is set to boost the balances further, and so they continue to recruit more talented players.

Enter Chris Klein (American Pie); an extreme sports player in need of a healthy pay cheque. After signing up, we quickly get a taste of rollerball action. Somewhere between a wrestling event and a circus, the players wear outlandish masks and body armour. A large part of the game is mowing down the opposition; hence the motorbikes. Live nu-metal music blasts out from a cameo by Slipknot, who look like they could be a rollerball team themselves. The first 20 minutes prove to be a fairly effective action filled start, but from here on things never really get going.

The plot revolves around the idea that the game’s managers are bribing players to cause more and more spectacular injuries to their opponents, which in turn increases the ratings and profits. Jean Reno (Leon) plays the central rollerball creator/manager who lords his power and wealth over everyone. It’s probably the most engaging performance amongst a very bland cast, and yet it feels as though he’s on autopilot. Not least because there is so little dialogue between the many fighting, flaunting, and chasing sequences, that it’s hard to truly get behind any of the characters. LL Cool J fades into the scenery, and the only notable thing about Rebecca Romijn, best known as Mystique in X-Men, is her looks.

What little plot actually exists quickly descends into a daft mess of clichés. The original 1975 version of Rollerball focused on one man’s struggle against a corporation that ran the US and subdued its people. Here we have the cop out use of Central Asia - as it’s obviously more plausible that those ‘savages’ in Asia will love violent sports and let it rule their lives. But the rollerball corporation doesn’t appear to replace any government as in the original, so when someone dies during play and it is still broadcast, why isn’t there an instant investigation? How did the company think they could go on killing people on live TV and not get shut down? Even in the most under-developed countries snuff films are banned. By having the film set so closely in the future (actually now the past, 2005) it both undermines the original purpose of using a future setting, and insults half a continent.

Director John McTiernan, of Predator and Die Hard fame, made his biggest mistake simply by making this film. At what stage did the script ever look like a good prospect? It must have been all of 30 pages long. Looking even worse in comparison with the previous version. There is more character depth to be found in WWE, and if mindless violent ‘sports entertainment’ is what you’re looking for, I would recommend going there first.

I have no problem laying the bulk of the blame at the script itself, or lack of it. All other errors simply compounded this problem. A telling sign of its quality came when, after poor feedback from previews the films release was put back till the next year, and edited down from an R rating to a PG-13. Effectively an admission that the producers just wanted to milk whatever money they could from the carcass of this turkey. The very worst part of this film is it’s ending, but I will leave that joy to the braver amongst you.

On the whole Rollerball is a pointless mess, made worse considering the talent and money involved in a production so recent. You can’t even laugh at it.

So far:-
Best Film: Monster A Go-Go (1965)
Worst Film: Rollerball (2002)

Talent Scout

We’re always on the lookout for new Bear talent, and our search has led us to this picture.

There has been some debate and concern as to whether this polar bear is a performer or being exploited! Is this human female a bear trafficker? Should we reveal her face? We’re appealing to our audience for any further information.

If it is a genuine performance then it’s clear this bear must have a charm all of his own. We’re not looking for anything quite so risqué, but do get in touch with us if you see this. Either you or your agent; is that your agent on top?

Bo Gets About

Hi. My name’s Derek, but friends call me Bo. I’m another hopeful on the site, looking to get some of my own ideas produced. In the meantime I thought I’d share a few pictures of me visiting friends around the world. This first one’s a bit of an oldie, and sorry about the poor focus. I forget who was taking the picture, but none of us had very dextrous hands. No matter, it was a very enjoyable visit.

Mr & Mrs Spoon were very accommodating.